Kane Creative Consulting

The Power of Good Endings

December 30, 2020
Moving forward
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Image by Spencer Evers on Unsplash

My business coach, Isabel Parlett, talks about “harnessing the power of good endings”, “developing intimate endurance”, being present and engaged even when things are uncomfortable. These are part of her fourth quarter teachings and they are good ones. They’re also markers of our resilience.

So often, as we wrap up a business cycle, an offering, a sales month or quarter we usually have our heads into the next one. We’re always gearing up. What I’ve learned is that closure and reflection is always valuable and never a waste of time. Beyond the “what worked and what could have worked better”, is the reality of dreams and efforts. The grace of giving yourself credit for what you did without berating yourself for what you didn’t. Focusing on the gifts and the learning. It can be as simple as an internal acknowledgement, a virtual (or real) pat on the back and a gentle closing of the door.

And while the above reference is in the context of business, it’s so true in life.

Finding good endings in 2020

How can you apply this concept to the year of 2020? The year that wasn’t. Or maybe the year that shouldn’t have been. Definitely, the year that we won’t forget. For some, there was incredible sadness and my words will never be enough to make it better. Sickness and loss of loved ones is heart wrenching in the best of times. It was magnified this year with the inability to be with loved ones or grieve together if they passed.

This was also a year of fear, feeling untethered and resentful. There was widespread unease. For some a low-grade disquiet that shadowed us throughout the year; for others, a screaming, sometimes physically debilitating anxiety.

Looking for miracles

But before you pick up the cellophane sheet of your Magic Slate of a calendar and wipe everything out, ask if there were any bright spots, any gifts. Maybe, dare I say, any miracles.

We take so much for granted. For instance, as part of a recent guided meditation my yoga teacher had us visualize a friend whom we hadn’t seen in 20 years and think about how it would feel to greet them. All I could think about was how I wanted to be able to hug my siblings again. A privilege I had always taken for granted.

And, speaking of taking things and people for granted, consider the health care and front-line heroes and all those folks who went to work so you could get your groceries, your coffee and your morning paper, to name a very few things. Those people we just assume will always be there but are a bit too invisible in normal times. It will be a long time before they slip into the background again.

What do you want to remember?

In addition, there were wonderful stories of neighbors helping neighbors. Yes, I know there were the other kind of stories but those are the kind that sell newspapers and TV and internet ads. Those are not all the stories and anyway, where would you prefer to shine your light?

I love Isabel’s phrase “intimate endurance.” It’s a beautiful reminder to stay present right through to the end. So, take a moment now. Just pause and think about one bright part of 2020. Did you spend more quality time with family? Did you feel life slow down, just a little bit? Were you able to be outdoors more? Take a walk in the middle of the day?

Did you get to savor the quiet this past spring with fewer cars on the roads and planes in the sky? And did you notice the birdsong more? Did you get to garden? Was your commute shortened to the time it took to get to your home computer?

Find that one sparkling star

Yes, I know we can come up with flip sides to all this. But look for that one sparkling star. After all, “Without darkness, nothing comes to birth, as without light, nothing flowers.” (May Sarton)

Pause. Take a nice deep breath. What is just one thing that wouldn’t have been – couldn’t have been – without this year we’d like to forget.

After that, thank it, pull up the cellophane and clear the Magic Slate of your calendar. Then move on to 2021 and continue on with your beautiful Multidimensional Life.

I’ll see you there!

Finding life’s music in the White Spaces

December 12, 2020
Multidimensional Life
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Image by Rombo on Unsplash

Whether it was Mozart or Debussy, this quote is one to ponder: “Music is the silence between the notes.” Because it’s in that silence that you’ll find the white space where you will discover the music of your life, the song you’re here to sing.

Recent conversations with coaching clients have led to discussions about “white space”. Not always in that exact language but always dancing around the idea. I have loved this concept since I heard it from Coach Dawn Kotzer, Inner Wilderness Guide, Doodle Activist and the Real Deal (that last one is my title for her.) That was quite a few years ago. She was speaking about the white space on our calendar, the idea of blocking out unscheduled time. I contacted her recently and asked her how she’s looking at it now.

“Energetically speaking,” she said, “White Space- fluid & flexible, immune to the needy, BS part of ego – is home to our creative soul and where we most effortlessly access our core of peace.”

Can you feel it?

That still feels so open and expansive to me. I get it; I seek it. I know what she means on a gut level. At the same time, it’s amorphous and can, therefore, be difficult to articulate. Those coaching conversations made me realize I hadn’t reached down deep enough for the right language.

One client spoke about how busy her life was years ago with kids and work and home. Life is less structured now but she’s still carrying the old busy mindset. She pondered, “How do we figure out how to not have our days crammed full?”

I offered my definition of white space – open, unscheduled time to do nothing. She disagreed. She felt that it wasn’t possible to do nothing. I guess it was how I explained it because she is right. (I love this about my clients. They are so wise.) I wasn’t explaining that gut level understanding well enough. I still hadn’t gotten the exact right language.

Or is it life’s margins

Another woman I was working with described building and maintaining the margins of life. Oh! That made me sit back in my chair and take it into every cell.

Those margins are non-existent in the first half of life as we rush through our days. Working, tending, doing. And, just like my other client mentioned, we carry that restrictive, busy mindset into the second half of life. All that rushing and doing that’s no longer needed except our habit makes it so. We strive to fill the margins.

I love the idea of cultivating the margins of life. That’s the expansiveness I crave and closer to my visceral understanding of white space. If I need a visual, maybe it’s the contrast between a narrow highway with no shoulder and those roads with generous edges. Narrow spaces bring discomfort. The wide edges create space. And in that place, we can discern and act on what is most important.

Is it just thinking time?

So, what is the essence of white space, after all? As the first client said to me, “It’s always something, right?”

True. I can sit on a chair and gaze out the window but there’s never a void. I’m thinking, ruminating, dreaming. All of this is good. So, call it what it is. Thinking time.

But it’s more than that. It’s protected time. Time claimed just for me, bounded by stillness and quiet space. Okay maybe I’m getting closer.

Leo Barbauta, of Zen Habits, wrote a post that I mentioned it in an earlier blog. It has a powerful pull for me. He likens the white space in design to white space in life. He describes white space in life as a place where we are able to get more clarity, peace, breathing room and balance. It’s the removal of the non-essential that enables us to have the time and space to figure out what is most important. Only then can we give it the emphasis it deserves.

Whatever you call it, you need it

It’s similar to the second of Stephen Covey’s Four Quadrants. The important but not urgent. A place most of us are not used to occupying in a busy Second Age or first half of life. But a perfect place in which to unfurl, develop and sink into a Multidimensional Life.

There are as many ways to look at this are there are eyes. But, at its core, I believe it is the claiming of time to intuit what is best for you in the moment and in this stage of your life. It’s tuning in to your own music. It is a creative process that is unique to each of you and carries a language you will need to create for yourself.

Whatever language you use, this concept is essential to a Multidimensional Life. In their own language, it resonates with my clients and and elevates the work we do together.

What will you call it? How will you describe it? And, most importantly, how will you incorporate it into your life and find that clarity and peace?

Don’t make it a big project. Look for moments. Let them build like beautiful, soaring music. Create your White Space and listen for your song.

The Thanksgiving That Is

November 26, 2020
Possibilities
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Image by Debby Hudson on Unsplash

These are not ordinary times. Yeah, you’re thinking. Tell me something I don’t know! For me, it’s forced me to remember something I know but easily forget: that when we get stuck in the tangled web of what was, we lose the opportunity to see what is and what can be. It’s that rear-view mirror thing. But, untangle yourself from that trap and oh, the possibilities!

We can spend so much time looking backwards or worrying about the future that we fail to see the gifts that are the present. Yes, even this year when we’ve been turned upside down and everything we know has been shaken out of our pockets. We adjust our plans and our expectations. And that’s getting a bit old. Particularly around holidays. I know that I could have hosted a little pity party for myself but instead I decided to do a pivot. I shifted my thinking to what I can do rather than what I can’t and that feels so much better.

The Past

Old sights and memories mesmerize us. We feel sad about who and what’s gone: the people, the events, those things we can’t do anymore (at least not at the moment.) A mist of nostalgia descends. I’m pretty sure I’m not alone in this.

For instance, I have been hosting Thanksgiving for many years. It has always been full of little and big traditions that I love. To keep me sane I make lots of lists. I keep a legal pad tucked in with my cook books where I write down my Thanksgiving menu. The menu informs the shopping lists and all of that determines various tasks that get broken down over the day or two prior to the big day. After the holiday I rip the page off, fold it in half and tuck it in the back of the pad.

I don’t know why. I just do.

When I pulled out my pad for this year’s very abbreviated meal some of those pages fell out. As I picked them up, I noticed a sheet of paper that included a lunch menu. The rear-view mirror loomed and transported me back in time.

Eleven years ago, after a horrific accident that took 5 aunts and uncles, a friend arranged for masses to be offered for each of them in a local church. Several family members came to each mass. The last one was the day before Thanksgiving. I invited them back for lunch and a new tradition was born.

Memories

This particular lunch was tomato consommé, steak salad and cranberry pumpkin bread. I know my mother and Aunt Susan, along with one of my sisters and a few cousins would have been there. It was part of a bigger tradition which included my mother, sister and her family coming on Wednesday, staying till Friday and then getting together with another family for lunch and a poinsettia buying expedition. That tradition is over 30 years old!

My mother and aunt are both gone now. There won’t be a poinsettia get-together this year. Even as I type this, I feel teary. A longing for the “old days” surges up through my chest.

Holidays can really do this to us, you know? And even as I felt sad, I caught myself and shifted my gaze away from the rear-view mirror to the now. What can I do? Even though it’s different, I can still make it special.

The question is what can we do

That question is so relevant in our non-pandemic life, too. What can you do at this stage of life rather than what you can’t do? You’ve got so much going for you at this age. Life experience, clarity, confidence, resilience. I mean, sure, at this age I’m not going to be part of the corps de ballet at Lincoln Center. But what can I do to feel agile and graceful? Oh, yeah, I can do yoga. I don’t want to go back into the corporate world but I have a lot of knowledge and experience to share. That’s why I can be a good coach for those transitioning from a decades old career to their next act.

Hey, a little grief is healthy. I’m not going to forget my parents or friends who have passed, the wonderful times we all shared. The special birthday, the vacations, the holidays. Or the things I did when I was young, my career, my accomplishments and my belly flops. All of this, and more, is what makes me who I am. It’s the same for you.

Choices

Choose to love all your memories but decide in this moment to make new ones.

Make a smaller turkey and fewer sides. Watch the strange Macy’s Thanksgiving parade. Make it easy; make it fun. Who knows? Maybe out of this will come some new traditions!

Here’s to gratitude, pumpkin pie and a beautiful day!

It’s me, your inner voice.

November 12, 2020
Coaching
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Image by Israel Palacio on Unsplash

Hi, there, Friend. It’s me, your inner voice. Call me Ivee if you like.

[Tap…Tap…Tap…] Is this thing on?

I’ve been trying to get your attention but it’s so darn noisy out there. Bright lights, people vying for your attention. All the siren songs luring you to a rocky shore, their beautiful voices drawing you in.

And here’s the thing. When you’re listening to them, you’re not listening to me. After all, their song isn’t your song. And, furthermore, when you try to match their voice it’s not sustainable. Your voice begins to wobble, your throat gets dry. You can’t hit that high note anymore. Trying to sing someone else’s song, competing with the singer who seems to have it all, doesn’t work well. Oh, it might for a while. Until it doesn’t. Oh, and, by the way, that other singer? She really doesn’t have it all. And yet you continue to try.

I’ve heard that this happens a lot. I talk to other inner voices, you know. We have our own version of Zoom: virtual, virtual Zoom or Vavavoom.

Here are some things I’ve learned.

Can you still hear me? [tap tap]

Okay, good. Let’s talk about you and where you might have some challenges. Because this is really important. On every level of your life.

One area you might be struggling with is your career. You’ve probably been quite successful. But it may have come at a cost. Or maybe it’s run its course, outlived its joy. Work became a “job” for the income instead of a passion. Or, as so many of you, you work for the benefits. I’ve heard this is a big one for women in midlife.

Second, you are probably operating on autopilot. It happens. I mean, reflect on what you do every day. Sometimes it’s out of habit; sometimes out of need. However, what I’ve learned is that autopilot drives you into a deep rut.

I get it. You do what you need to do. One foot in front of the other.

But it can be different.

What happens when you don’t listen.

When you go for long periods of time tuning me out, you know, that route you’re traveling on autopilot? It gets old. It feels uncomfortable. You become filled with unease. Maybe dis-ease.

It. Just. Doesn’t. Fit. Anymore.

Ultimately, you end up sacrificing the very things that I’ve been trying to talk to you about. Those important things that energize you rather than the daily fire drills, the hamster wheel, the blur of life passing by. The things that make life juicier and more meaningful.

And when you go on like this for too long, you experience varying degrees of burnout. Stress and all its attendant ills can be very subtle or it can hit you over the head. A few examples: lowered immunity, poor sleep, lack of focus, overeating/undereating. These lead to other things. It’s a slippery slope, not a pretty sight. And then there’s that huge hole right next to me where your heart is.

I can help you fill the hole but we need to be in touch more.

What happens when you begin to listen.

When you start listening you might notice me telling you that you don’t have to settle for the status quo. You begin to hear my sweet voice inviting you to imagine how you can begin planning for something new at this stage of life. Not a radical, ditch everything and start from scratch new. But a start. In fact, take a moment and try to imagine that right now. What would it feel like to believe in possibilities? Is it hard? Try to let it in just 10% of the way.

When you tune me in you begin to realize that you’re not too old to make meaningful changes. That you can make different choices in how you spend your time each day. That it’s okay to make yourself a priority, rather than putting yourself last in service to everyone around you. Yes, I know that last one’s a toughie.

And you can also begin to express your creativity – whatever way that wants to show up – in ways that will make you come alive.

What has to take place in order to be able to hear.

Two things have to happen, however, before you can begin to hear me.

First, you need to get comfortable with the unknown and with your own vulnerability.

Part of the reason you’ve had a hard time hearing me and thus getting started, is that you’ve built a silencing wall around me. I know you didn’t mean to. You probably don’t even realize it’s there. But, listening to me is risky. What I have to say might fly in the face of everyone around you. And then what?

Well, okay, then what?

You begin to experience discomfort. Call it fear if you like. You begin to feel vulnerable.

Much of what I have to say comes from that place of vulnerability, that very tender part of you. And that is why you often check out.

But questioning your particular status quo, allowing the yearning for something different to become visible, finding the spiritual courage to fill that emptiness that resides beside me? That’s a scary vulnerable.

Beginning

Once you decide to let yourself be vulnerable, a second obstacle may appear. You realize you want to begin this process of change but you don’t know where to start. That can be overwhelming and cause you to hit the brakes. That’s okay. I’m here for you. Starting can be as simple as being quiet, (that in itself can be a challenge!) and asking the right questions. And, of course, trusting me, your very wisest self.

This is also where a good coach can help. A good coach (contact Kathy here) is one that will make you feel comfortable with not knowing where you’re going at first. She will make you feel less vulnerable and eminently normal. She will help you tune in to me and discover what makes you come alive.

Between the two of us? Oh, the places you’ll go!

Falling in love with good enough

October 26, 2020
Coaching
2 Comments

Original art by Jill Badonsky ***

I have fallen in love with “good enough”. Think about it. Good enough gets it done. And getting it done feels good. Feeling good encourages me to do it again. What a lovely loop!

The idea of good enough was introduced to me by Jill Badonsky when I trained with her as a Kaizen-Muse Creativity Coach™ in 2009. All these years later, when I hear “good enough” in my head, it’s usually her voice. (Highly recommend. Check her out here.)

Lowering my standards and letting something be good enough was not in my tool kit at that point. That kit had more procrastination and avoidance and angst. Better to not do than to be seen as less than perfect, right?

Wrong.

The Ouch of Perfection

What I know is that perfection can be painful. When I operated from that mindset, I might get something done… maybe…eventually. But it would often come at a price I wasn’t willing to pay. In that case it might stay undone. That did not make me happy!

But “good enough” is just what it needs to be. It’s close enough.

For instance, if I strove only for perfection, I never would have posted my first blog or hit publish on my first website. I would have hesitated before taking on my first coaching client or joining a writing group. When I began with “good enough” things got done. I was unstuck and could move forward.

If perfection was the only yardstick, I could never have found my way into my Multidimensional Life powered by trial and error, curiosity and listening to my inner voice saying: “Good enough. Now, what else do you love? What else are you here for?”

Good enough gets you unstuck

So, Jill’s advice on how to help clients move through or around perfectionism into momentum had a big impact on me. In my ability to help you with this, I also help myself. We seem to teach what we need to learn. And the lesson continues to deepen as time goes on.

Consider this: If perfection is the only standard you use and you’re an ordinary mortal, you’ll get stuck. Stuck places hurt. They chafe and leave scars. Hey, life leaves enough scars. You don’t need to add to them.

And, by the way, ordinary is quite good enough, too. In fact, the poet William Martin, in his poem “Make the Ordinary Come Alive”, suggests that when we embrace the ordinary “The extraordinary will take care of itself.” There’s something of “good enough” in his advice along with the understanding that we don’t stay there.

You are so good enough

So, what if you are good enough as is? What if your first steps into your next stage of life were “good enough”? What if your version of a Multidimensional Life could begin with curiosity and a vision that’s not crystal clear? How about some trial and error? A foray into a perfectly imperfect adventure?

How about if we do it together? It’s always easier with a partner. Especially one who understands good enough and knows that your good enough is much more amazing than you think. Contact me here to see how to get started.

Come fall in love with “good enough”.

***Experience Jill Badonsky and her Blanche Baldwin persona in her podcast A Muse’s Daydream. And I just gotta say as a New Jersey girl, born and bred, “Oh, Gawd, I hope I don’t sound like her!” 😂 Enjoy!

A Messy, Complicated, Sweet Life

October 20, 2020
Coaching
0 Comments

Section of tapestry by June Shatken

Life is messy and complicated. This year, last year, next year. Whether we’re young or old. It can be quite messy. Period. And it seems especially so as we travel through the second half. When I speak and write about creating a Multidimensional Life, I am not ignoring this fact.

Rather, what I am striving to convey is that you can live a sweet Multidimensional Life in spite of all this. You can take a minute to remember what is most important to you – important at your very core – and include it in your life. You can weave it in even if only in small moments in the face of the world around you. When you do you create a rich, meaningful and creative life while operating from a grounded place that encompasses the good with the bad, the sweet with the hard, the beautiful and the not so beautiful. Because, again, life can be messy and complicated.

Remembering and Recommitting

So, this is not about trying to create and maintain an Instagram life; it’s about being yourself. It’s about living in the contrast of the sweet and the hard and finding balance. When you embrace this, you let go of perfection and fall in love with “good enough”. You’re able to appreciate those incremental moments and build on them. Because you are on a foundation of “real”, you avoid collapsing into a rut or a crisis.

Probably one of my biggest and most important life lessons was learning how easy it is to get lost in a busy, crazy, messy and noisy world. For a long time, I didn’t realize I was lost. Being whip-sawed just felt normal. Once I became aware, however, the next question was what to do about it.

What I learned was to Pause, to take a breath (literally), center myself and remember what is most important. To take a step back and remember what I’m here for. While there’s certainly an element of mindfulness in this, I believe it more about remembering and recommitting to who I am at my essence. (Here’s an interesting article that expands the idea of pausing into the current world environment and reaffirms the value of the Pause.)

Waking up and pausing creates the loom of life

You become the shuttle weaving the threads of meaning, attention, action, joy, value, delight, honesty, authenticity. The warp and the weft. All those things that go into creating the fabric of your Multidimensional Life.

This day, week, year will have its challenges. So, how do you keep yourself intact while maintaining your Multidimensional Life, even if just for a moment?

First, what is it you yearn for? What are you here for in this beautiful messy life? Once you know, look at what gets in the way. Determine just one small action or thought to take you in the direction of that yearning. That small thought or action creates a ripple effect. It initiates change that, in turn, will beget more change and, in the process, illuminate parts of the dream that weren’t clear before.

If life is too busy, think short bursts. Take a 10-minute walk. Make a call – personal or business. Just one. Check just one item off the list. Meditate or sit and look out the window for 5 minutes. Small success moments mean a lot.

Where we start when we work together

Imagine you have a magic wand. Wave it over your life and recognize your dream. What do you see?
Choose just one element.
Ask yourself what is one small action you can take toward that goal.
Celebrate every small success

Don’t be fooled by its simplicity. These steps build momentum over time. They also allow for course corrections where needed. They will be needed and that’s actually the fun part.

What changes

Instead of being in a rut, you will have fluidity in your life and be able to navigate the messiness.

Instead of being drowned out by the noise, you’ll be able to hear your thoughts telling you what is most important to you, what has meaning, value, purpose, joy.

You will be liberated to make more daring choices; possibilities will show up. You won’t get mired in woeful wishing.

The real you will emerge from your heart center and surprise and delight you with her wit and wisdom. (She’s an old soul traveling with you from long before you were here.)

She will guide you through the mess and the complications with grace and humor.

She’ll turn down the noise, calm the craziness and show you the way to cultivate your best Multidimensional life.

Contact me to set up a discovery call and talk about how this process would look for you.

It’s time. Let’s get started.

A letter to Thomas Jefferson and The Case for White Space

Image by Christian Fregnan on Unsplash (altered)

Determine never to be idle. No person will have occasion to complain of the want of time who never loses any. It is wonderful how much can be done if we are always doing – advising his daughter Martha, 1787. – Thomas Jefferson

Dear Mr. Jefferson,

It saddens me that you instilled into your daughter the belief that “always doing” is beneficial. I wonder how that worked for her. Perhaps it was the way of the 18th century, but with all due respect, I say poppycock!

This is a myth that needs to be dismantled. It’s time to redefine idleness and challenge the need to be “always doing”.

This notion that we get more done when we are constantly doing is a great example of the law of diminishing returns. It ignores the need for rest, recharge, re-creation. Where and when do we get to think and dream? To just noodle?

Sloth or idleness?

How do you define idleness, TJ? Did you never walk around the grounds of Monticello while dreaming up the Declaration of Independence or working through a gnarly design problem? I find a walk to be an amazing stimulus for my creativity. I’m re-creating and enjoying the fresh air while I write in my head or marvel at the ideas that pop up. I often use the voice-recorder on my iPhone. You would have loved that.

What about sitting down with a beloved book?

Perhaps you consider staring out the window to be idleness? Again, I disagree. Sometimes it can be hard to do sit and woolgather. However, when I do I find that the quality of the ideas and creativity that come up is better than anything that emerges when I have my nose to the grindstone that is my desk!

For me, the concept of idleness or what could be considered non-productivity is a struggle and something I work on and toward. Yes, I hear the irony in that. But I have come to understand its intrinsic value. Now, understand, I not talking about sitting around the house in curlers and a housecoat, a cigarette dangling from my mouth, watching Jerry Springer. That is sloth, not idleness. There’s a vast difference.

Idling or recharging

But I get it, this tug of constant productivity. The way that even downtime has to be structured and busy. It’s an attitude that has carried over from my years of working in corporate where busy-ness was a measure of my value. When I slip back into that mindset, no matter what I do it’s never enough. I go down a rabbit hole and fizzle out. Then I need to recharge. And in that situation my recharging choices are not always the best. Surfing the internet, computer games… You have no idea, TJ, of the ways we can be “idle” here in the 21st century.

Therefore, I’d rather weave “idle” recharging into my day. Even as I write this I will occasionally turn around and gaze out the window. The sky is autumn blue and the leaves are getting sparse. The sun slants in at a lower angle and casts long shadows. My mind relaxes and thoughts untangle. Sitting and looking out the window is just what I need at times. And then I turn back to the page.

White space

So, did you ever consider the beauty of white space on your calendar, TJ? A block of time that has no commitment. Expansive and luxurious. Where all things are possible. Yes, it may also produce anxiety, bring up the habitual need to fill it with something productive, something meaningful and purposeful. However, what I’m finding is that meaningful and purposeful don’t live on the hamster wheel. They live in our heart centers and if we are constantly “doing” as you are advising your daughter, we will never learn what they have to teach us. We will never hear their song that carries us into our Multidimensional Lives. Here’s a beautiful article by Leo Babauta titled “Life’s Missing White Space.” He discusses how white space in design provides greater legibility, luxury, breathing room and balance. And then he applies these concepts to life.

What would white space look like for you?

The reality is that staying in that high activity mode, 24/7 is not healthy. It keeps the adrenaline pumping, causing stress and all those things that cascade down from that state. That state begets more need for productivity and the feeling that whatever we do is not quite enough. Certainly, I could do more. It keeps us on the hamster wheel.

Am I alone in this?

I’m curious, reader. What does idleness bring up for you? Do you need to be always “doing” or knowing what’s next? Could you use help in slowing the hamster wheel of endless productivity and defining what your white space might look like? Contact me and learn how working together can bring ease, possibilities and, yes, some of that well-deserved white space into a busy life.

Reflect on Your Mortality

Image by Danielle MacInnes on Unsplash

Reflect on your mortality. Not exactly an uplifting opening line or prospect. However, on further consideration you may come to agree that it is actually a necessary and positive exercise. It can infuse a healthy sense of urgency and allow for possibilities not previously considered!

A Health, Wellness & Fitness magazine appeared in my mailbox recently. One cover article promised “44 Health, Wellness & Fitness Tips”. I’m a sucker for these. I know many of them so I enjoy making a righteous mental tick mark. Others are new ideas or good reminders. But the suggestion to reflect on my mortality stopped me.

After all, on an average day how often do you think about your mortality? Usually, especially in these strange times, we are encouraged to focus on the positives. Look for things to appreciate. I recently offered a 5-day Savor challenge with the idea being that stopping to savor something leads to gratitude.

And I still believe gratitude and positivity is valuable.

So, when I saw “reflect on your mortality” as a wellness tip … I paused.

Small but life changing advice

At first blush it seemed quite grim. Morose. Sad, even. But I stayed with it for a bit. I read the whole paragraph and came away with a fuller understanding of what the author was trying to convey.

It wasn’t saying my time was nigh. It was reminding me that we are mortal beings. Not eternal. Our time here is finite. Not infinite.

If you took that to heart, what would you do differently? Right now? It could be life changing.

Memento Mori

Now, I know that you don’t go through life thinking that you’ll live forever. Hopefully you’ve done your estate planning and have your end of life wishes articulated. But you certainly don’t ruminate over your final days. If you think about it at all it’s to wish or pray that you won’t suffer, or that loved ones won’t suffer.

But we all come with an expiration date. And there’s no convenient stamp on us to tell us when that time is.

And, again, this wellness tip wasn’t asking that we reflect on our date of death. The message was “Memento mori” – “remember that you will die.” One day it will be too late.

Before it’s too late

There’s a quote that I always associate with Wayne Dyer: “Don’t die with your music still in you.”

It’s a beautiful metaphor for the gifts inside you waiting to be shared. It’s also another reminder to not wait until it’s too late. To start now even if with tiny steps. To start now even if the song is not clear in your head, even if the melody is sketchy and the theme not fully formed.

The music doesn’t have to be elaborate. Simplicity can be just as eloquent. You also don’t have to think in terms of the grand gesture. Start small. Here’s a story of someone who followed a thread in her life, got involved in a local organization and enriched her life while making a difference in the lives of others. Her music is out in the world.

In her blog post “5 Regrets of the Dying”, Bronnie Ware writes about the misgivings many of her palliative care patients expressed as they neared the end. It’s poignant and a great lesson. How wonderful it would feel to live with no regrets.

A final example, my husband’s friend who had many health challenges in his later years. Even though it might have helped, he resisted the physical therapy that was recommended. At the end he asked his son if it was too late to try. Of course, it was. The grief of what could have been is deep.

I’m challenging you to pause and think about this. And then ask yourself what you’d do differently in this moment. Right now? In the juicy bit of the present. Before you rush on to the next task, appointment, social media post, Instagram photo, text message?

What would I do differently?

I would be bolder in inviting you into a conversation about how our working together would help you create and live a second half of life that is rich and meaningful and in touch with the music that’s inside you.

I would be more direct in telling you that it’s not too late to be or do something you’ve put off, to make more daring and unexpected choices in how you spend your day, to make meaningful life changes.

I would urge you to shake off the status quo and live unapologetically. Now.

I would show you the container and the tools to unfold your Multidimensional Life that’s as necessary and vital as all the things you do for your health.

I’m urging you to do this now. Contact me to get started.

Staying centered and sane

Even in the midst of life’s challenges and disappointments and hardships this is possible. I have found during my own hard times that taking time for those things that make me come alive is what gets me through. Taking 20 minutes for a walk with a friend. Talking on the phone with my writing buddy, puttering in the garden for 30 minutes, savoring my morning Barry’s tea even if the rest of the day is going to be consumed by the urgent. I have learned that even small moments of the important make all the difference. They keep me connected to the layers of my Multidimensional Life. That keeps me centered and sane.

Reflect on your mortality. You don’t have forever so start now! Now in what might be the middle or the final quarter of your life. Start now because you’re not dead yet. And, of course, once you are…well, it is just too damn late!

Leaves in the stream of life

September 25, 2020
Coaching
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photo by Jeffrey Eisen on Unsplash

Life is often compared to a river, a current that carries us along. We become leaves in a stream.

There’s no stopping time, no stopping the current. Just like water life will always find ways to move forward.

And as time marches on we begin to feel that we can’t do anything about it its passage. And that’s true. We can do nothing about its passing. But it’s not the forward movement that’s the problem. It’s the direction. Your direction.

It’s not the fact that it flows. It’s the direction of that flow.

I have a water run-off problem in my yard. It’s eroded the soil, left bare patches in the lawn and debris from the road, the driveway and the eroded ground is scattered all over.

I live on the downside of the mountain. The water will come. My focus is now on directing it where I want it. Rain garden, anyone? (And, as the garden is an essential part of my Multidimensional Life, I am being true to myself when I give it my attention.)

So, as in the metaphor above, life is just like that water. It happens. It flows. It carries life’s debris and if left to its own devices can erode our very beings. But consider this: you get to decide where it takes you even if it’s merely the way you choose to frame it. You get to take a pause, maybe grab onto an overhanging branch, take a breath and consider where you go from there.

The flow of your life.

Now, don’t get me wrong. Life will happen. We can’t control everything. But take a moment now and think about what you can control. Make a decision on what direction the flow of your life will take you. Whether the current of time will carry you along like a leaf in a stream

Will you be swept away? Or at the helm and navigating?

Will you succumb to a torrent of emotion or step back and, once again, pause?

But go beyond just “managing”. In addition to navigating are you also setting the course direction? In your pause are you giving yourself choice? Are you directing some of your time and energy to what actually lights you up and gives your life deeper meaning? Or are you stuck in a holding pattern where you never make time for yourself, where time becomes a vacuum that is filled by others?

It’s not always easy but remember that you do get to decide.

And when it’s challenging you can consider getting a co-pilot.

A case study

One of my clients, with whom I’ve worked for several years, has had lots of life wash over her. Health, career, family “stuff” that could have easily knocked her off her path permanently. Remember how that water carves its own way?

But in spite of all that was going on, with my help, she was able to maintain perspective, take what were sometimes miniscule steps forward, and sometimes take a break from the journey and take care of what needed care. It was a pause; not the end. It was conscious and deliberate.

A serious injury laid her low for a while. She experienced a lot of pain. However, as her coaching journey was leading her toward healing modalities, she was able to consider how her particular situation could benefit her work with others. Her intuition had been honed in our work together and she knew that this was grist for her particular mill. It didn’t take the pain away, but it gave it some purpose.

I was able to help her with that. I was able to help her with the decision to step back, even to stop coaching for a while, to regroup, be sad where she needed to be sad, hurt where she needed to hurt and to provide a safe container for her to come back to and resume her journey. And what a journey it has been!

Your own experience

But you don’t need to just take my word for it. Or rely completely on someone else’s experience either. Experience it yourself. Explore how it feels to begin to take a new approach to the stream of life.

Contact me for a discovery call. What’s calling to you from deep within? What have you left behind in a busy life? What’s getting in the way? Discover how our work together will make a difference.

(Here’s a little short read on growing old that calls up this age old metaphor of life as a river.)

Midlife Awakening: Thrive in your Third Act

September 10, 2020
Multidimensional Life
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Image by Aditya Saxena on Unsplash

It’s been my experience and observation that we spend early to mid-adulthood, our Second Age, on auto-pilot. We charge through our days getting lots of “stuff” done. We compartmentalize life, schedule our pleasures and squeeze in downtime. It’s a race to the end of each day. But once you arrive at midlife? Ah, now it’s your time, a for awakening.

I’ve written about the Third Age, a theory Peter Laslett offered in his book, A Fresh Map of Life: The emergence of the Third Age. Today I want to talk a bit about that Second Age.

Just to refresh: In our first age, he says, we are dependent. We are still immature; we may be students. The second age is the time for independence, maturity, working. The third age is an era for personal achievement and fulfillment, and the fourth age is a final dependence, infirmity and death.

The Second Age

The Second Age is a building time. Typically, we are absorbed in developing careers, making a good living, rearing families. Often, we are taking care of older generations. It is an outwardly focused time. And, let’s be honest, there’s a little bit of keeping up with the Joneses. We’re running on the schedule of Alice in Wonderland’s White Rabbit. “I’m late, I’m late…”

Maybe that’s what has to happen during those years.

No judgment here. I’ve lived it, too.

However, what I know is that we don’t have to continue to embody that story.

Awakening to our Third Age or Third Act, a Multidimensional Life

What I know is that we can Pause, get our bearings and transition to another path, our Third Age, our Multidimensional Life.

Now, I’m not saying it won’t be scary. There’s a nakedness, a vulnerability in this process and that can be quite uncomfortable.

But, just imagine the enormous relief of awakening in midlife, taking off the bindings of earlier times and feeling free. The sweetness of checking in with your quiet inner voice and heeding her message. Learning that you have options as to what comes next, that you are strong and courageous and that it’s okay to rock the boat as you move forward into uncharted waters.

What I wish for your midlife awakening

I believe that this is essential for a full, rich life. Therefore, this is my work in the world:

To empower brave women like you to feel the liberation that comes from speaking to what is alive and true in you.

To guide you as you step into the life-long experiment of being on your own path, even when that path is not clear, of taking small, steady steps in creating and expressing your truest self.

To remind you that there is always the possibility of growing and transforming, of exploring the options of what comes next, of being open to how everything you need is on the path to finding who you are.

Ultimately, it is the freedom of being your true self that wins the day.

Contact me for a coffee chat. Let’s explore how I can help you find that freedom.